Who Will Fix the Hole in the Roof?

          When children lose a pet, it may be their first experience with death, though perhaps they have lost a Grandparent. While death is not a common occurrence for most people, it is far less familiar for children because their life experience is limited. Even so, children are sometimes "old souls" when it comes right down to it.

     Yesterday I experienced the miracle of such a one. This little lad of 12 years had already heard about Heaven because his Grandpa was there. He was pretty angry that he couldn't be with him anymore. Now he heard that his very sick dog was also going to Heaven.

    When I arrived at the home to assist with the euthanasia of the pet, the Grandmother was looking after the child in another part of the house; they came to meet me and say goodbye to the pet. He regarded me with some suspicion and did not quite buy into the notion that he should go back to playing his favorite game elsewhere. It was quite clear to him that something of great importance was about to happen and he didn't want to miss it.

     This child was quite fearful of needles so the pain relieving medication and sedation had been administered prior to his joining us. Because the pet, already in a twilight sleep, still had some conscious albeit hazy connection to those of us present, I suggested that he might like to go tell her, perhaps whisper in her ear, anything important that he wanted her to know. I told him that she had let me know (for indeed she had) that she was ready to die, to release her spirit and leave her body behind because it was no longer a good home for her spirit.

     This he did and then went to his Grandmother, refusing to leave the room to play his game but agreeing instead to have her read to him while we administered the last drugs, an anesthetic overdose that would deepen her sleep into a coma and allow her to die peacefully. Soon he got up from his Grandma's lap and came over to us who were clustered around his pet on the floor. "What is happening?" he wanted to know.

      "We are waiting with her as she is preparing to release her spirit," I told him. "Do you want to wait with us?" Quietly this precious little one stepped over her and seated himself on his Daddy's lap. Together we waited for her spirit to soar.

     Presently, I listened for her heart, now still; I asked if he wanted to listen too. He nodded. We tucked the earpieces into his tiny ears and I tapped gently on the diaphragm of the stethoscope so he could recognize sound, and laid it where her heart had once been heard. He listened intently. "Can you hear anything?" Solemnly he shook his head. "Her spirit has gone," I said.  He nodded.

    While I do not claim to be an expert in child behavior, I frequently have children of many ages present with us at the time of euthanasia. May I share some  guidelines?

• As the parent you are always the final judge of how involved each child should be; you know him better than I do.
• Be truthful. While it is not always necessary to explain every detail of what will happen, don't falsify the situation. Children always know when they are being lied to.
• Use appropriate language. Do not be afraid of the words death and dying. Don't use the euphemism "putting him to sleep" when you mean to say we are helping the animal to die.
• Answer the questions a child has; there is no need to explain more than he wishes to hear.
• Include children in the decisions that must be made. Have a family council.
• Don't be afraid to let your child see that you are sad.
• Try not to be wounded by seemingly insensitive comments such as "Why are we killing her?" Children are often just learning the nuances of word meanings. This is where we really need to help them.
• Remember that children have very short attention spans. They quickly turn from tears to "When can we get a new pet?" and back again to feeling sad.
• Preparation is important. Especially if a child will not be present at the euthanasia or know in advance the time the appointment, encourage him to say goodbye to the pet whenever he is leaving home.
• Use thought constructs that are familiar for your child. If he has heard about Heaven, for instance, that may be easier to grasp than the concept of death which only seems to be understood beginning around age five or so.
• Allow some time to ponder. One youngster, after hearing that his kitty's spirit was going to go up to Heaven, asked nonchalantly the next day, "Who is going to fix the hole in the roof?"